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February 13, 2015

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you know you're about t'ah die. I don't know if that's true or not, but before I go t'ah meet my fate I thought I'd at least take tha' time t'ah write down an rememb'ah everythin'. I know my writin' isn't that great (never has been) but if I leave nothin' else behind, I wanna leave this record of my life. I know t'ah most people it'll be hard t'ah accept as true, but I have no reason t'ah lie an I might as well get it all out there now since I may not have anoth'ah chance.

I guess we'll start at tha' beginning. Let's start wit' that I know. I know is my first name is Lily, I was born in Alice Springs, Australia on Christmas Eve. I have no idea who my parents were or anythin' about them. I've always assumed they were muggles, but I really don't know. I grew up on tha' streets of Sydney Australia. My first memories are of bein' in an orphanage in Sydney, and bein' tossed outta' tha' place because I scared tha' woman runnin' it with accidental magic. I didn't know what it was at tha' time, but I quickly learned t'ah control it ta'h help me find food an' shelter. I think I was four or five when I started stealin' t'ah feed myself an living wherev'ah I could find shelt'ah for a while. I knew takin' thinkgs from oth'ah people was wrong, but I had no oth'ah way to keep myself alive, so I become more and more proficient wit' tha' stills I had t'ah use t'ah survive. I learned how t'ah take things without them noticin', or how t'ah charm people inta' helpin' me. I had a natural knack fo' it, and I latt'ah realized I was innately usin' my magical abilities t'ah help.

Not much changed until I was ten. By then I had become quite the pickpocket and con artist. I picked the pocket of an old'ah woman, an thought I had gotten away. I used tha' money t'ah get myself some fresh bread an' cheeze fo' dinner (which was a pretty nice meal in those days) an' went t'ah a local park where I would sleep fo' tha' night t'ah eat it. I was sittin' on tha' end of tha' slide eatin' when a shadow fell ov'ah me. When I looked up I was shocked t'ah see tha' old woman standin' ov'ah me. Of course I had been caught before, but how she had followed me here I had no idea. I got up t'ah run, and she waved her wand, liftin' me up inta' tha' air. I was stunned an' try as I might I couldn't get away. I honestly thought I was gonna' die. She told me she didn't appriciate gettin' stolen from, an that I shouldn't use my abilities fo' that. When I told 'er I didn't know what she was talkin' about she looked surprised. She said if I would agree t'ah use my abilities t'ah help people instead a' hurtin' 'em, she would teach me. I agreed. She told me her name was Cynthia, but that I should jus' call her mentor. That was in tha' fall of 2007

She taught me for four years. She got me a wand, and taught me magic. I was particularly skilled in mixing (called potions at Hogwarts) an' learning t'ah defend against Dark spells an creatures. At tha' end of my fourth year I decided I wanted t'ah go see what I could learn oth'ah places. My mentor told me about a place called Hogwarts where, they taught magic, but that it was very different from how I was learnin' now. I was still interested, so we talked t'ah tha' government t'ah see what I needed t'ah do. They said I had t'ah take my O.W.L tests an do well t'ah go, and that each summ'ah I'd have t'ah come back so they could make sure I was still on track. I agreed, and when I did well on my tests, they said I could go t'ah Hogwarts. My mentor told me goodbye, an' said she'd be there when I came back. I created a new wand before I left t'ah remind me a' home, but instead a' re-writing that, I'll just say it's already writtenhere if ya' wanna' know.

I started Hogwarts in tha' fall a' 2011. I'm not gonna go int'a much detail about Hogwarts since I already have a bunch a' memories stored in my private hideaway. Ya can always check there if ya' wanna' know anything' specific. I will say that that's where I met my best friend Ashley Flame. We didn't get along at first, but soon realized were similar and became friends. Ash had another close friend Lyndsay Willis who hung out wit' us, an' I had Mary Waters. Ash didn't get along wit' Mary, and I didn't much like Lyndsay but that's how thinigs work out sometimes. Mary was constantly plagued by sickness that tha' healers couldn't figure out how t'ah fight. For my senior potions project, I created a healin' potion t'ah fix her. Samples, an' detailed notes, on that potion an tha' one I made fo' Ashley Flame a coupla' years lat'ah are also in there if anyone wants t'ah go lookin'. Careful, caus' there's spells an traps on tha' place. Anyway...back t'ah Hogwarts. I was named a prefect my sixth year, an lead a group called tha' DA t'ah help 'em learn how t'ah defend themselves. I also found a map a' Hogwarts that showed everythin' an' everyone. It's in my hideaway too with all my treasures. Lyndsay died at between our sixth and seventh years, killed by James Euclide, who was a psycho an' tha' brother of a Professor at Hogwrarts. Ash took it hard, an' was lookin' for a way t'ah do something more serious...an' dangerous. We found it.

Ash an' I joined a more serious group called tha' Order of tha' Phoenix. We learned from Ferlen Black that there was gonna' be a meetin' at his house, and since we were both seventeen, Ash an I decided t'ah sneak in. We heard what was goin' on and joined 'em. When we got back t'ah Hogwarts we told Headmaster Kinsel what we'd done, an' he agreed t'ah use us as spies, though he didn't especially like doin' it. He had some ord'ah memb'ahs, Sabrina le Fey, and Maurice LeClerc teach us Occlumency and Ligilmency. We helped uncov'ah their secret plans an helped tha' Order fight 'em. I quickly found out I hated combat. It was frightening and scary, and people got hurt. Aft'ah our first battle Mary and I snuck out an got drunk, since I couldn't handle it. Ash was a natural though, heroic and brave. Ash got hit with some sorta dark curse in a battle at tha' Ministry that scarred her face. At tha' time we both thought it jus' a physical scar...but we soon found out it was more than that. Tha' spell also affected her head an memories. She was in St. Mungo's for tha' longest time, an everyday I'd visit her. We'd always have tha' same conversation. That was jus' aft'ah we graduated an' money was tight. Ash an I had rented out a little two bedroom appartment before she got hurt. I started workin' as a waitress for tha' Leaky Cauldron since I couldn't work for tha' Ministry due to not bein' a citizen, despide my grades. We had graduated in tha Fall of 2014. I didn't have time t'ah try eitha'h since I was spending all day workin' an' my nights visitin' my friend.

I got angry since nobody from tha' Order seemed t'ah rememb'ah about us. Nobody else visited Ashley. Nobody helped us. I went back t'ah stealin' ta'h make extra money. I used it t'ah buy tha' expensive potions ingredients I needed. I didn't realize how much they were when I could get 'em for free at school. It took about a year, but I finally managed ta'h get a potion right t'ah heal Ashley's scar and tha' dark magic that was damagin' her brain. Again, all my notes, an' samples are stored in my hideaway. Tha' war ended, but mine didn't since I still had ta'h take care of everythin'. I finally healed Ash about a year af'tah tha' war ended. Turned out tha' WHPS we were fightin' was jus' a small group connected t'ah Duxterra an Kaiser and tha' war.

In tha' middle of everythin' else durin' tha' war I was recruted by a group called tha' Black Parade. They noticed my thefts an' offered me bett'ah work, but first I had t'ah be tested for my skills. I could join as eith'ah a thief, spy, or assassin. I picked all of 'em. I aced those skill exams an' was tha' only memb'ah at tha' time to be all of tha' above. I used tha' disguise of a tween girl while with tha' Parade, since Kinsel had taught Ashley an I long ago not t'ah use your real identity when und'ahcov'ah. As that work starte t'ah pick up I gained a reputation of bein' more expensive than some of tha' oth'ars, but also more efficient. I could do any job, an' was called on for all sorts of assignments. I still have all tha' details of every assignment I want on in my hideaway. Still...I was hesitant. I tried not t'ah become evil. I had enough t'ah turn down assignments tha would hurt tha' innocent. Tha' extra money helped, and I started ta'h have a bit extra, which was nice. I didn't want t'ah quit at tha' Cauldron since people would contact me there wit' jobs for tha' Parade, an it was a good place t'ah eavesdrop an find out information t'ah sell.

Durin' that year I was workin' on tha' potion and gettin' started wit' that' Parade I met a man named Draco Rookwood. He would come inta' tha' cauldron an smile at me, an' make me laugh. I really liked him. We started goin' out, though between everythin' else I nev'ah really had tha' time t'ah give him that he deserved. Things got pretty serious for a while, and I thought maybe I had found that mythical one t'ah love. Ashley got bett'ah aft'ah tha' potion, so I had my friend back. I started takin' less and less Parade jobs, thinkin' maybe I could break away an be happy. I had quite tha' fortune built up by then. Ashley and I applied for Auror jobs in tha' Ministry. I had t'ah go get approval from tha' Australian Government. I decided I didn't wanna leave Draco, and put it off while Ash started workin' as a guard in tha' Holdin' Cells for tha' Ministry. Everythin' seemed t'ah be comin' togeth'ah.

I had hoped t'ah quit tha' Parade an let Draco know about it. I had still been pretty distant from him since I didn't want him knowin' about tha' Parade, or all tha' things I'd done...but I knew I had t'ah tell him if I ev'ah wanted things t'ah work out. Tha' night I went t'ah tell Draco, he told me he had news. I wished I had gone first...but I didn't. He told me he needed t'ah go t'ah Russia an try t'ah help clean up tha' country from what tha' war had done to it. I told him I didn't think a long-distance relationship would work...I needed someone there for me. I smiled and wished him well...I told him I'd be there as a friend for him. I was lying...He broke my heart that night. Most of my memories of Draco are still in my memory vault if ya' care t'ah look.

I took tha' chance an' ran back t'ah Australia. They told me I could work for tha' British Ministry if I completed their Auror Trainin' and promised not t'ah work against their government. I took it. While I was there I found out my Mentor had disappeared and was presumed dead. It was jus' anoth'ah emotional hit I couldn't deal wit. I was there for three months doin' tha' Trainin'. When I got back I applied fo' a job wit' tha' Aurors as someone on loan from Australia. They accepted. I went home t'ah find that Ashley had disappeared while I was gone. I probably could'a tracked her down, but at tha' time I saw it as jus' anoth'ah betrayal. Everythin' good from a few months before was gone. I became cold and bitt'ah, trustin' nobody. I found a place far away that looked like some American Auror had built it and forgotten about it, and took it for my own paradise away from everythin'. I dove back inta' tha' Black Parade this time without any reservations, not caring what assignment I was givin', or about hurtin' anyone. Once durin' that time I visited Draco in Russia, lookin' for a lifeline back from tha' dark path I was walkin'. I didn't find it...instead I found his female secretary makin' advances on him. She died shortly afterwards. I can honestly say it wasn't me who killed her...though I would by lyin' if I said I hadn't considered it. I was also tearin' through Auror Missions. With my skills they weren't too hard, an I could always call on my Black Parade connections t'ah help if I needed it. I was quickly recognized as a useful resource by Tanis Nyt who was tha' director at tha' time. ...and then things started goin' downhill in Egypt and I agreed t'ah go there und'ahcov'ah.

Tha' Parade wanted info on tha' problem, an so did tha' Aurors, so it worked out well. While there I adopted a new identity and worked for an anti-magical group called tha' Cult of the Forgotten and was given a elemental sword t'ah fight with. As I was already proficient with most weapons, it wasn't an issue. We fought some sorta' magical ancient shadows. My role in that conflict was minor, but I did find a man named Christopher Flame who I knew was Ashley's father. He was also workin' for tha' cult. From Ash I knew he had beat her and her moth'ah because they were magical, so I killed him and took his sword too as a trophy. I felt justice was done. Things ended up resolvin' themselves in Egypt, and I returned t'ah London soon aft'ah. Egypt had taught me one things though...I had lost my way in tha' dark. I was roamin' around unchecked, and doin' horrible things. I decided that had t'ah stop...I had become tha' very thing I had hated an' been fightin' against since I started wit' tha' Ord'ah.

From there I used my connections wit' tha' Parade t'ah help stop crimes before they started. A lotta' Parade memb'ahs found themselves in Ministry custody, caught or killed durin' their crimes. Things were gettin' bett'ah again. I felt like I was protectin' people. I was don' a job nobody else could, an' fightin' fights they couldn't t'ah help keep 'em safe. I was trainin' new Aurors, makin' it so they would have tha' skills they needed t'ah fight tha' underworld. My best student, who quickly became a friend and partner was Renée Delacroix. I had a friend again, though I had t'ah keep parts of my life a secret. I also found out that a lot of Ministry Officials were usin' tha' Parade's services, or helpin' hide their activity from tha' top. I did what I could t'ah help cut out that corruption...but I know I nev'ah found all tha' leaks. Draco's efforts in Russia failed, and he came back replacin' Tanis Nyt when she disappeared as my boss. It was a little awkward, an' though we both tried ta'h see if we could rekind;e our old feelin's, it nev'ah really seemed t'ah work.

About two an a half-years ago I heard a book had been published by Lyndsay Wade who I knew was Lyndsay Willis' mother's last name. Enraged I hunted her down, askin' why she would steal that name...and it turned out it was Ashley. She was still strugglin' wit' her death, and everythin' we'd gone through when we were young'ah. I was happy t'ah see her, an she moved back inta' our little apartment I had kept. On Christams Eve almost two years ago now, we were attacked in our apartment. We were both sleepin, so I don't know exactly what happened. I've since come t'ah believe it was an attack of revenge against me by someone in tha' Parade, but I haven't tracked them down yet. I've been too busy trying t'ah deal with tha' effects. My body was damaged an' I was dyin' when Ash found me. Her mind had been attacked. Using Legilimency I entered her mind t'ah try t'ah repair tha damage an keep her from dyin'. Meanwhile she worked on my body. We were both successful, but I knew I would need ta'h contine t'ah work on her mind t'ah fix it for a long time. I created new memories on what was left of mem an' transfigured my body. I gave her tha' life I wished I had been able t'ah lead...nor worryin' about tha' darkness...not tainted and complelled t'ah fight it. I think maybe I split my soul that night, though it mighta' already been split from all my earlier killin'. She has her own life now, an I would rath'ah not disrupt that if I can. Her name is Phobe White.

I've been livin' in Ash's body. It's been hard in a body that's not mine, but pretendin' t'ah be...workin' or reparin' her mind and keepin' up wit' everythin' else. Renee wad difficult to fool, but since I still had my memories, it was possible. In my distraction tha' Black Parade has had a resurgence and is growin' strong again. Tha' person who attacked us hasn't been caught. ...but I've saved my best friend's mind. She's recovered. Usually I let her take back control while I advise. ...but with that work done, I've found I'm slippin' away. I have no place anymore...not in my body and not in hers. Her mind has started tryin' t'ah push me out..it recognizes I don't belong here. I don't want t'ah screw up Phoebe especially since I think parta my soul may be in her, and destined for tha' happiness I never was able t'ah find. I can't stay with Ashley anymore. I have nowhere t'ah go but t'ah slip inta' tha' void. So...I figure I have nothin' t'ah lose by writin' this, since my life's at it's end anyway. I'd rather not be mourned...all I did was t'ah try t'ah help make tha' world a safer place...but in doin' so I've thrown away everyone and everythin' I had. I wish Phoebe tha' best...but who wouldn't want that for themselves? I hope Ashley won't get inta' trouble for everythin' I did, and will be able t'ah keep workin' with tha' Aurors as she' more that qualified...but this time as herself. I'm glad Draco's moved on and his real potential has been seen in tha' recent election. ...and I suppose if it's possible I'd rather him not know about what a horrible person I am, rather keepin' his good memories of me. I know Renee will make an excellent Auror, an' I hope she's able t'ah stay in that light an outta' that shadows that have been my constant companion. Mary's already tha' head of St. Mungos...she's helpin' people get bett'ah everyday, an if my potion recipees will help her, I would love t'ah make sure she gets them.

This...is tha' story of my life. There's a lot that I regret or would have done differently. ...but at tha' end instead of doubting and regrettin' I want to say I know I had my rough patches, but I think I did everythin' I could t'ah help people an' make tha' world safer. If I protected even one person...one of my friends, then I consider everything worth it. In that light maybe I can stop thinkin' of my life as a grand tragedy and know in tha' end I was victorious.